Humor

I had the ‘opportunity’ of having breakfast with two friends of mine who happen to be women namely, Sharanya and Suraksha.

Now I know what to expect when you take two women to breakfast.

I’m now richer by gyaan! Gyaan on where can one find better slippers at lower prices, where you get good heels and where you get good flat slippers.

—

After a while,

Suraksha: We should meet up for lunch some other day again.

Sharanya: Cool! We’ll make it a post Madras Week Lunch!

Suraksha: Ooh! I’m so excited!

Me: Mmm… The Sambhar Idli is delicious.

Sharanya: We should make it breakfast and not lunch!

Suraksha: yea. So we can have a leisurly food!

Sharanya: Ooh! I’m so excited!

Me: The chutney is great too.

—

Again some talk on where you get slippers in Adyar. Apparently, there is a potti kadai near the tea shop at 11th cross street, where you get awesome heels.

—

The crux of the breakfast conversation was this!

Sharanya: Shall we go to City Center.

Suraksha: Cool! I’m in!

Sharanya (turning to me) You coming?

Me: Hmmm… I…

Suraksha: You going shopping?

Sharanya: Yea. I need to pick up a couple of lingeries!

Me: WTF! Why’re you calling me for that!

Sharanya: Eh! Whats wrong! Anand has accompanied me once!

Enna Koduma Saar idhu!

Team FIndNearYou.com had the opportunity to dine with two of The Three Amigos of jazz namely Sharik Hasan and Adrian D’Souza (Namma ooru karl Peters was missing) the other day at Barbeque Nation. Ram’s niece, Preeti who is in school had tagged along.

There were some really funny conversations involving Preeti.

—

Preeti (referring to Aravind): So you guys are one team is it?

Me: Yes.

Preeti: So do you guys have an office?

Me (thinking I had heard wrong): Heh? Pardon!

Preeti: I mean, do you people have a real office - with cubicles and computers?

—

During dinner, Ram ordered vodka for himself.

Preeti: I want to have some of that.

Ram: You’ll have to wait.

Preeti’s eyes lit up.

Preeti: How long?!

Ram: Two years.

—

During the drive back.

Me: Phew! They were cool! They are like the top artists in jazz and we were chatting like childhood friends!

Ram: Yeah. They’re pretty cool!

Preeti: Definitely! Also when Aravind asked them… Um… Do I call him Aravind? Or is it Aravind uncle? Or should I call him Aravind mama?

—

For those who didn’t get it.

Mama - slang in Tamil for pimp.

Setup Chellappa - A character of pimp played by Vadivelu in a random tamil movie.

I met Alexandra a couple of days back.

Alexandra is the girl who has replaced Lorrene Durret at Alliance Francaise De Madras and is going to be in Chennai for the next six months.

We (Alexandra, Joel, Aravind and Me) were having a long discussion about photography and stuff first at Goethe Institute and later at Fruit Shop on Greame’s Road yesterday. Point to be noted is that Joel and Aravind know French and I dont.

Alexandra asked me,

“Narain, I have a deal for you. I teach you French and you teach me Tamizh. What say?”

*The scene freezes here and goes back to last month when Lorrene was flying back to France at the end of her tenure*

She had worked with Joel on a couple of workshops on photography. They also had a deal that Lorrene would teach Joel French and Joel would teach her Tamizh.

The deal worked great. Atleast thats what Joel told me.

When I last met Lorrene, I managed in my best French and told her,

“Lorrene, Bon Jour!”

And Lorrene shot back,”Dei Kasmalom! Un munji mela yen kaiyya vekka! Adhan email irukku la! Aprom innaa bon jour palaya soru nu! Bemani!”

——————-

As they say Once bitten twice shy, I refused the offer.

Enna Koduma Saar Idhu!

I really need to seal my lips.

Last week when a few of our elderly relatives who think talking about girls, love and sex is bad dropped in and we were having a tough time due to this.

I was bored to death and was watching TV when the Cadbury Calebrations ad was featured in which the kid in hostel doesnt get any gift from his sister. Even as he shows some great histrionics, his sister walks in and blah blah…

Due to extreme boredom, my mom blurted out,”The kid looks cute, doesnt he?”

I shot back,” Yea. But the elder sister looks even more cute.”

Two pairs of eyes turned abruptly towards me and glared while my mom held back a giggle.

I dont know what ate them, but they seemed to be in a hurry and left.

——-

In another instance, I was having a brainstorming session with Ram and Aravind and we were talking about the biking clubs and running clubs in Chennai.

Ram: We need to contact the folks behind these clubs and talk to them

Me: Yea right. Those are jobless fat people who have money to waste.

Ram: Hmmm… I’m a member there.

Me: Well… Um…. Er…. He He He…. I mean… SHIT!

No! This is not a take on When Harry met Sally or our own When Venu met Sonu.

This is an ode to the hundreds of Kanniappas and Muniammas lurking the streets of Madras!

Picture this - its 5 in the evening on a sultry Sunday at Pondy Bazaar, T Nagar and Kanniappa is zooming through on his Bajaj M80 carrying a load of live chicken to the slaughter house at a speed of 80 kmph. Muniamma is standing at a signal and is impatient to cross the road to buy some jasmine flowers for her hair which already resembles a mini botanical garden. She is impatient because it is Aadi thallupadi and she wants to go to Pothys to buy the saree which Asin wore in the movie, Dasavataram before Vadivu does.

Due to this impatience, she starts crossing the road even as the signal shows amber.

As the signal turned to amber, Kanniappa who was still a good distance from the crossing shifts down and revs forward to cross the signal before it turned red.

They both almost collide into each other.

What ensues next is a verbatim English translation.

Muniamma: Customer of death!

Kanniappa: You are the customer of death! Have you informed your folks back home?

M: You are driving like hair!

K: And you are crossing the road like pubic hair!

M: People like you have got fat in the ass!

Who doesnt!?

K (releases the clutch and moves forward while muttering curses) People like her have got audacity in the vagina!

(Translate the entire conversation for yourselves. If you dont know Tamzh, please ask your friends or drop me a mail and I’ll mail you the convo in Tamizh)

Like I said, there are hundreds of Ks and Ms lurking the streets of Madras. So, please make use of public transport or better stay indoors.

I entered Sowcarpet today for the first time in my life.

I studied in a merchant college (rough translation for ‘Saettu College’) and 70% of the peeps were from this place called Sowcarpet, but I had never been there.

Until today.

First the language - its not a scooter, but a ishcooter. Its not school, but ishchool.

Believe me, it was as though the merchant guys (again translation for ‘Saettu Guys’) had known that it was my first visit there that I saw a red carpet there welcoming me. it was then that I found out that it was actually the road ‘painted’ with ‘betel nut juice+shpit’ or paan!

Talk about painting the town red.

One more thing about Showcarpet is that all buildings are similar. All shops are similar. All lanes are similar. All men are shimilar. All women are shimilar. All vehicles are freakingly shimilar - then I realised that these people drove only Honda Activas and no other bike - all in shtriking colours. I saw a pink colour Honda Activa today being driven by a gentleman in yellow coloured shirt and fluoroscent green coloured troushers - E K Sh I!

A typical Shaettu guy

Coming to the buildings, there were all alike - narrow with shops on both shides of the alley and dark, thanks to the power cuts. The shops had names like Priyanka Paan Korner (Thanks to Ekta Kapoor), Agarwal Vastra Bhandar, Bhandari Chaat and there was even a Kareena Kapoor Jewellery Paradise! Since the buildings were dark due to the power cut, we had to grope the walls to reach the top and my hands felt some gooey. I carried on. Upon reaching the top, I examined my hands and to my horror found blood!

I shreiked.

A shaettu then calmed me down and said as a matter of factly that it was not blood, but paan shpit. Yuck!

Coming to the female shpecies - the ones less than 20 were hawt. The ones above 20 were fat! The poor hushband would have to go round thrice to hug her completely!

I entered Showcarpet at around 10 in the morning and left the place at around 4 in the evening.

I left humming - Sharoja Shaman Nikalo.

Enna Koduma Shaar Idhu!

Confirmation: I have nothing againsht Shaettus or Mechants or Northies. Infact, a couple of my beshtesht friends are Northies. Still if you have one, death threats and hate mails can be sent to msnarain@gmail.com

I was talking to a good friend and fellow blogger who happens to be a girl and…

Me: So wasup?

She: Nothing much. Some stupid virus got into my lappy. Am formatting everything.

Me: Oh! You would have done porn! All these porn sites are full of viruses!

She: Ada paavi! I dont do porn da!

Me: Oh yeah?

She: See. I know there are viruses in porn sites. That’s why I don’t download any.

Me: Oh. So you watch porn. But do not download.

She: I.. Er…

Me: Gotcha. End of debate.

A nice man gets a nice girl.

A bad man gets all o’them.

5.30 AM - 10.00 AM

Started from home early in the morning to SIET College where Aravind had promised to pick me up for the 9th Chennai Photowalk. Walked till C.P.Ramaswamy Road and it was 5.45 already. A small hike till Mount Road and we were soon settled in Aravind’s car. Had to pick up Varun as well from Guindy station and he had been apparently 5 minutes away from Guindy for the past half an hour. He arrived finally and we soon arrived at the foot of St.Thomas Mount. A quick breakfast at the roadside shop with fellow photowalkers, Chandru & Anand and we were off. It was exhausting. I didnt take much snaps, but enjoyed the walk. I also learnt a few stuff about a specific person. Keeping up with the tradition of meeting new people each time, I met Laskhman and Gaurav Mishra of BharatMatrimony.com.

Then a small discussion about our childhood beliefs which ranged from Anand’s assumption of how milk was ‘manufactured’ when he was 8 and another bugger’s assumption of how women got pregnant when he was 7! Born pervert!

Then the drive back into the city is also worth mentioning as Sharanya made the mistake of hitching a ride in Aravind’s car. Me and Varun had a good time bugging her. She would probably not even step into Aravind’s car again!

A couple of snaps from the Photowalk.

After the walk. Me, Sudhamshu, Varun, Sharanya, Shreya and Gautham.

10.00 AM to 11.30 AM

We had to while away time as the mini blogger meet we had called a mini blogger meet at 12.30 PM at Amethyst, Chennai and the best option was Alliance Francaise De Madras, which had almost become third home to me. Second home is FindNearYou.com! After having a catnap at Alliance Francaise de Madras and biting into Yusuf’s delicious chocolate cake, we were off to Amethyst.

Me and Varun at Alliance Francise de Madras.

11.30 AM to 2.30 PM

A nice get together. Just 5 of us and we had the entire Amethyst shaking with our laughter! Me, Aravind, Varun, Rohit and Sandhya Rajan. Had great fun. Had a great time teasing Koyanda Sandhya! She apparently thinks I’m horny! Atleast thats what she said! He he!

Me making a point. Hence the crooked mouth. Koyanda Sandhya is all ears.

We need not be rocket scientists to tell who Rohit is checking out!

2.30 PM to 3.30 PM

Then the five of us were off to Little Mount. We were about to leave and then I saw John. We were meeting for the first time after college ended and it was greaty seeing him again. We were so close in college and we had trouble talking to each other today. Words failed us! And we were actually very lucky to have seen him because he got access to us inside the two caves there and it was kickass! A quick goodbye later, me and Aravind and me headed to Mathsya while Rohit joined us there after he dropped Varun and Koyanda at Guindy station.

Varun, Koyandai Sandhya, Rohit, Aravind and Me at Little Mount.

3.30 PM to 5.30 PM

A late lunch at Mathsya with Rohit and Aravind. Again had fun recalling funny moments about Koyanda. We were the only people in the restaurant and were laughing at the top of our voices - thanks to Koyanda !

Why does it always happen to a friend’s friend’s friend and never to you or your friends?

Point to ponder!

Being a bachelor is frustrating.

Here’s a new series on the chronicles of a chronic bachelor (read virgin)

–

I was sitting at Ram’s office today morning discussing some important work when she walked in.

She was beautiful!

I fell in love with her immediately.

Then her husband walked in.

Working with FindNearYou.com is being of great source of experience to me - most of it wacky! I’m in the team that handles WheelsAndRevs.com and RockandRaga.in and since it is a small team - a 5 member team to be precise, the same person ends up doing so many things. For instance, I would be doing some content work in the morning, tweaking with the code in the noon, doing SEO stuff by evening and providing support to our users by the night.

I have of late been confronted with a lot of strange support requests. I am publishing a few here. It may be just coincidence, but most of these wacky support mails land up only in rockandraga’s mail box.

Support@rockandraga.in is available for chat at gtalk and there was this guy from Chandigarh who had trouble setting up his blog.

ABC Singh: I have trouble setting up a blog at rockandraga

Support (Me): No worries. Just tell me what exactly is your problem

ABC Singh: I’m not able to figure out even a percent of how to proceed.

Support: Our blogs are based on wordpress. You can always have a look at their faq or try the support forums. I can help you out if you tell me your exact problem.

ABC Singh: Can you give me your mobile number so that we can talk?

I didn’t want to give my mobile number and the phone at our department is always busy, thanks to telemarketers Shiny and Jincy. So I decided to give my mobile number. Aarva kolaru!

Support: Sure. 9884xxxxx

ABC Singh: Cool. I have stored your number. Now you can call me.

*Head to desk*

——-

Then there was this mail from another moron.

Hi,

You guys are doing a great job out there.

I stay at Coimbatore and love music. Can you guys teach me music?

An ardent music lover,

XYZ

Enna Koduma Saar Idhu!

——-

Hey Rock & Raga,

Going by the term rock and raga, i think its all about fusion music. I am very much into fusion music. Can I join your team? We can create some exciting music!

Cheers,

ASDFG

P.S: I really love the site!

A note to Ram: I really need a vacation!

——-

This is the most kickass of all support messages, again on gtalk.

ZYX: I really like the site very much.

Support(Me): Thanks a lot ZYX!

ZYX: There are however a few changes in the design that I feel would be great.

Support: Thats brilliant! We would love feedback.

ZYX: Great! I myself use Wordpress and I am very good in php. Just pass me the admin username and password and I’ll make the changes asap.

Dei… Inda madiri ethana per da kelambirukenga?!

In case, you want to be mentioned in this blog, just shoot a wacky support mail to support@rockandraga.in and I’ll be too glad to publish it here.

I just got back from June Rock Out. It was amazing. It is good to see such a rock loving crowd in Chennai. Things still need to improve as still people are expected to travel to Bangalore to watch international bansd perform. This thing has always surprised me. They got only the crowd - their roads are bad, traffic is sickening, public transport is worse and a lot more minuses. Anyway, coming back to tonight’s show, it was really heart warming to see such a rock loving people in Chennai. Bands played classic and people loved it! Bands played hard-rock and they enjoyed it! Bands played thrash metal and people simply lapped it up! And I was lucky enough to be on stage for the entire show, since Find Near You is the online media partners for Unwind Center, I had the bliss of listening to metal and distortion in the highest decibels of the evening!

One comic aspect of rock shows and rock bands are the girlfriends of the performers. These hawt and not so hawt chicks obviously dont give a damn about Rock. They probably dont even listen to Rock. They just tag along their boyfriends to Rock shows and manage to sneak out for a smoke when their boyfriend’s band goes on stage.

There was this girl having a smoke outside her car (read her boyfriend’s car) and we happened to stop by her to ask for directions. Even as I asked her, I noticed a stack of Pink Floyd cds in the car. Now that she happened to be hawt, I wanted to impress her and casually remarked,

“Pink Floyd? Nice!”

“Huh?”

“I see you have Pink Floyd. Nice!”

“Oh That? No No! I would anyday prefer my Floyd, blue”, she replied as a matter of factly and took another puff.

Arvind walked up to me and said, “Dei.. Aarambame seri illa da. Thirumbi poidellam da.”

Enna Koduma Saar Idhu!

——————————————————————————

Later in the night, we interviewed bands like Null Friction (Yes! Null Friction!), Blind Image, Grey Shack which will go as podcasts in Find Near You and Rock & Raga. Visit these sites for the podcasts of the interviews and the show.

——————————————————————————

The other highlight of the night was sme brilliant photography by our own Varun Sridhar. Check out this pic and you’ll know what I mean!

Heights I go to ensure that the person at the other end of the chat is irritated!

Both me and Mayank were equally jobless and……..

me: dude!
Mayank: i’m no dude
me: then?
Mayank: I’m Mayank
me: heh? ok buddy
Mayank: no buddy. Mayank!
me: ok pal!
Mayank: no pal! Mayank
me: ok chum!
Mayank: You suck!

The first television ads I remember seeing were the Hamara Bajaj ad which showed the good old green colored Chetak Scooter and the Washing Powder Nirma ad! Infact, I secretly had a crush for the girl who featured in the Nirma ad! I was three then.

The Indian advertising scene has come a long way from these ads. While some ads really set you thinking or tickle your funny bone, there are a few that also make you think - Enna Koduma Sir Idhu! Here I have listed out the best and worst ads I have seen.

Read the rest of this entry »

It was the first day in college and we were waiting for the classes to start with a great anticipation when we saw this school boy trotting around. We assumed him to be a brother of one of the people joining college that day.

He turned out to be a guy in our batch!

Further discreet inquiries revealed him to be one Prashanth, joining Computer Science in our college.

Now, as a rule, Mechanical peeps could never get along with Computer Science peeps in my college - esp CS staff. Sparks flew on the first day itself when a CS staff got snubbed by one of my class guys. He resigned the next day!

Coming to our ’subject’, we had always nurtured the thought of catching this Prashanth guy and ragging the hell out of him. Sounded fun! But some so called good samaritans in my class were against this as he was after all in our batch.

He was soon forgotten as our focus shifted from the CS guys to IT/ECE girls. Yes. CS girls in my batch are shit. No. Shit is better! It after all is a natural fertilizer!

Now, I have been in contact with our subject for the past few weeks and he turned out to be a worse KVK than I had encountered in my class!

We were chatting in Gtalk a few weeks back and he was like

Macha! I want to get into a good Ad agency da.

Some days later.

Hey, Will I get into Star Group?

Then.

Dude! I want to learn SEO!

Time passes.

Narain, I have registered for a course in affiliate marketing da!

And again.

Hey, I want to learn php and css da. Can you suggest some books?

Today morning.

Dude, I stumbled upon a book today morning on Advanced Hydraulics. Is there any way I can get into Ford Motors by reading the book?

Me: &^$&*^*@#

Update at 5:10 PM:

He came to know about one of my friends, Shillika and immediately fell for her! He has not even seen her! He just likes the name! Sheesh!

Update at 11:45 PM, 2nd june

Dei, suggest me a good camera da. I want to learn photography.

Me: Dei… Unakellam Manasaatchiye Illaya da….. *%#^$@

Update at 09:18 AM, 3rd june

I was in convo with Prashanth in Gtalk and he was referring to this post.

Uleadin: Macha… See… I want to be versatile da. I’m just trying to do everything I can do with my physical limitations.

Me: Oh! Is that why you haven’t had sex till now?

Uleadin: &%$#*@

You must all have read about Gapp’s so called prank targeting me that bombed disastrously for him!

Well, here is my version of the conversation

Note: This is an english translation of the original conversation.

Me: Hey

Ganesh: Oye. One side X and one side Y. Nice.

Me: Dude! X atleast ok da. But Y wont suit my weight da.

Ganesh: You do realize that I am the guy who posts convo in blogs.

Me: WTF!

Ganesh: 2 minutes… am blogging.

Me: Shit!

Ganesh: Done! DO comment

Me: Hmph!

(After a minute if frantically refreshing my page and clearing the cache)

Me: I cant see any post.

Ganesh: lol.. had you there didn’t I?

Ganesh: lol

All along I was worried because the equation me = gentleman was at stake! But the pervert that Gapp is misunderstood one of my Tamizh words used in the convo to another meaning which he found to be funny.

The rest you know was a failed attempt by Gapp, the trickster who used to specialize in such notorious activities of pulling unsuspecting gentlemen’s legs! The joke is on you dude! Now, the whole world knows what kind of a KVK you are - a result of your own blog post!

A note to Gapp: Maybe you are getting old for this dude!

And if you people are wondering about the title, here it goes!

….thanks to Chicken pox!

1) Its not at all fun sitting inside home 24×7. Now I know how Suu Kyi must feel.

2) There’s nothing on TV to watch as well.

3) Twitter!

4) I have not forgotten my music.

5) Cartooning still comes good to my hands.

6) Bread, idly and buttermilk-rice are not the best meals around.

7) Its a shitty feeling that I have missed last day of college.

Sitting and doing nothing isnt that great as it seems to be.

9) Indian cricket team should learn to bat on all kinds of wickets.

10) Chicken Pox has nothing to do with chicken.

Update at 9:44 PM

11) Typing the number eight and a closing bracket [8)] brings up a smiley!

Over the half past few months, more than ten people I know have started blogging.

The reason - not to expand their writing hobby or for networking, but due to misconceptions that placing google ads in blogs can turn them into multi-millionaires overnight!

Bosky and Srivatsan wanted me to write about the Pipes Camp in my blog. I didn’t as I couldn’t find the time to log in and post an entry.

But here’s a post-camp blog entry!

No hard feelings Bosky!